Frank Avis' Memoirs of 42 Years in Radio

Earlier this year I wrote an extremely negative prediction on the outlook for Afghanistan...

2021-10-13T12:00:00+10:00

Earlier this year I wrote an extremely negative prediction on the outlook for Afghanistan after the planned Allied withdrawal. Now, in the light of what we've seen recently, I realise it was nowhere near negative enough. We went there remember after 9/11 in order to subdue the Taliban and their cronies so that the country couldn't be used as a base for terrorism again. But when we got boots on the ground two things became obvious: 1) that the majority of Afghanis hated the Taliban rule – especially the women – and; 2) that the country had virtually no political or public service organisation and no way of defending itself against a Taliban revival. So we all stepped up and assisted the locals in establishing a government and began organising a defence force.

Billions of dollars were poured into the country with over 30,000 army and police armed with the best kit on the planet. We fought and died alongside them over 20 years so that when it became time to leave most of our seasoned service personnel were convinced Afghanistan would be defended... that the local soldiers would give their lives for their country. When the Taliban returned and the provincial centres started to collapse there was shock – genuine shock – amongst the Allied soldiers and politicians at the rate of the enemy advance. I kept hearing official reports of the Afghan soldiers fighting valiant battles to defend their cities but increasingly, after dissecting all of the information from the front, it became clear that the defenders were basically throwing down their arms and running in the opposite direction at the sight of the Taliban. These "battles" were in fact the odd brief "skirmish." Most trained armies when they retreat take as much gear as possible ready for the next battle. At worst the troops do their best to render their weaponry unusable. It became obvious to all that all this military hardware – weapons, armoured vehicles, even helicopter gunships – was being left intact. Indeed, by the time the Taliban had swept through three provincial centres they had been essentially re-armed with some of the most potent weapons available in the world. I remember going to bed one night listening to my favourite BBC RADIO and hearing an interview with a leading government minister. The enemy by this time were basically just hours away from Kabul but this Minister was resolute. "Don't believe all these reports," he told the interviewer, "you will see shortly how our plan will be put into effect. A massive counter attack is about to be launched to force the Taliban out of Kabul and away from all the provincial centres. We are about to regain full control of our country." I drifted off to sleep thinking, "Wow, this bloke is so convincing that clearly there is something afoot." I'm not absolutely sure of my maths here but I think Kabul collapsed in five minutes. It lasted 5 minutes! That was the sum total of 20 years of weapon supply, of some of the most elite military training available on the Earth and of those thousands of Western soldiers who died or suffered horrendous injuries, genuinely believing they were playing a major role in the re-building of Afghanistan. This I believe is a fair and honest summary of what we've just seen in Afghanistan. It remains one of the saddest things I've ever had to report.

The latest Sydney radio survey confirms the impact of COVID with audiences continuing to move across to 2GB and ABC, as the News and Information format rules the roost. Most of the FM-ers felt the impact with KIIS and SMOOTH slipping to 8%, well adrift of the AM leaders.

For the last 50 years I've been agonising over one of the most puzzling mysteries in early Australian history. But in recent times I think I've connected the dots and found a tenable theory. First I'll have to fill in the background. If you have no interest in our history please move on to something else. When the early ocean explorers sailed around the tip of South America into the Pacific they began hearing the same story. When they spoke to the tribal elders and the story tellers from all the tribes in the continent they heard the same thing: "Follow the sun," said all of the Keepers of Knowledge, "head out across the Ocean," pointing to the west, "where there is a great Southern Land." The story – told originally to those Portuguese, Spanish and English adventurers, became one of the Great Myths, like Atlantis, and for over 200 years sailors searched the Pacific for this Great Southern Land this Terra Australis. Eventually, the English, Dutch and French explorers actually discovered it was true... there was this massive continent deep in the South Pacific. Which took us to the great mystery... HOW DID THE ANCIENTS IN SOUTH AMERICA KNOW IT WAS THERE? That's where I've been hammering away at history since the 60s and 70s. Now I see a hint of light in the distance and the key plank Involves the Polynesians. 2,000 years ago we had the mighty Phoenician "Boat People" who opened the trading routes in the Mediterranean. 1000 years later came the Polynesian Boat People, who emerged from Melanesia to sail from one end of the Pacific to the other. They headed south and populated New Zealand, East and colonised Hawaii and finally, in an astonishing piece of seamanship, made it all the way across to Easter Island. The people of Easter Island always said their ancestors came not from South America, but from islands far away to the West. The latest DNA research shows this to be true. The Polynesians are the connecting link between Australia and the ancient historians of South America. It's impossible to believe these boat people didn't manage to go west and find Australia as well. The trouble would have been that they would have been repulsed by the indigenous aborigines. There was no way the Polynesians would have been able to mount a big enough expedition to capture the continent: they would have been left to occasional raids along the East Coast. But they would certainly have carried the story of the "great south land" all the way across the Pacific where they would have met and swapped many stories with the sailors from South America.

Incidentally, the first "official" use of the word "Australia" as our country's name that I can find, comes from an entry by Lachlan Macquarie to his Clerk on September 30, 1816: "...for a correct and impartial 'History of New South Wales', alias Australia, and he has promised to take this subject into serious consideration."
– The Cambridge History of the British Empire, Volume 7.

Now allow me if you will to indulge myself in another one of my favourite TOP TEN LISTS which are almost certainly completely irrelevant. You already know I'm a Broadway "tragic" so it's no surprise I'm planning the TOP TEN ALL TIME BROADWAY SHOWSTOPPERS. I'm actually putting them in order to attract even more criticism...

"Send In the Clowns" (A Little Night Music, 1973)
Stephen Sondheim was apparently shocked at the astonishing success of this duet but Glynis Johns and Len Cariou give us one of the greatest moments on the Broadways stage. That music... those anguished lyrics ("an anthem to regret"}... I'm rating it as the ultimate highlight that defines the magic of Broadway.
"Some Enchanted Evening" (South Pacific, 1949)
Ezio Pinza,a retired Opera Star, signs a contract to do a musical in which he only has to sing TWO numbers. Are you kidding me... How's that going to work? But then one of them is "Some Enchanted Evening" – I rest my case!
"Ol' Man River"(Showboat, 1927)
The show that introduced the Broadway Musical as we know and love it and one of the great, majestic masterpieces about the mighty River that just keeps rollin' along.
"Wouldn't it be Loverly" (My Fair Lady, 1956)
One of several classics from MFL – the Greatest Broadway musical of them all. But this is the one where we meet Eliza and are prepared for the journey as Professor Higgins turns her into a Lady. Julie Andrews is absolutely wonderful.
"Oh What a Beautiful Morning" (Oklahoma, 1943)
It was as if Spring flooded into the streets of New York ushering in a whole new era of Musical comedy. This is the classical opening Broadway song but – just to confirm that things are changing – Curly actually starts singing off-stage.
"Tonight" (West Side Story, 1957)
Romeo and Juliet set to music and you just know things are going to end badly. But before the tragedy comes this lyrical duet from the two lovers. They're from opposite sides... they shouldn't be together but not just now please... give us at least "Tonight".
"There's no Business Like Showbusiness" (Annie get Your Gun, 1946)
Buffalo Bill, the Indians, the sharpshooters and the whole Wild West shebang... she's all there in this absolute Broadway classic.
"Oklahoma" (Oklahoma, 1943)
One of the most stunning songs ever... a mighty chorus that brings the house down every time. The corn is high and the farmers and the cowmen are ready for a boot scootin' hoedown.
"Don't Cry for me Argentina" (Evita, 1978)
I'm not into Andrew Lloyd Webber but I've got to say he nailed this one. The turmoil, the drama, all the angst. The audience can virtually SEE IT on the stage. Evita puts it all out there.
Stranger in Paradise (Kismet, 1953)
I just couldn't help myself. The rich melodies of Borodin re-engineered into a modern Musical. 583 times New York audiences applauded this gorgeous song in the Production's original run. I wonder do they realise how lucky they were?

Finally a little bit of classic Australiana:

"We are the sons of Australia,
Of the men who fashioned the land,
We are the sons of the women,
who walked with them hand in hand;
and we swear by the dead who bore us,
by the heroes who blazed the trail,
no foe shall gather our harvest,
or sit on our stockyard rail"
– Dame Mary Gilmore (1865-1962)

Frank Avis Radio Memoirs (and other stuff) 2014

2015-01-29T12:00:00+10:00

There has indeed been a bit of a delay in the latest update with your author having had to solve a major computer glitch. He agonized over this complex issue for some months until his daughter arrived recently, took one look at the computer, hit + on the zoom and solved the whole saga in 18 seconds.

There's little point adding further to my embarrassment. Let's just agree that it was lucky I got out of radio before computers took over the industry and indeed the world.

The summer and winter of 2014 has been quite exciting for the industry with the defection of Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O from 2DAY FM to KIIS FM. This is like going to heaven if you're a Programmer because we get the answer to the great question: Can you take it with you? Your audience that is.

And the answer in survey 1 was "Oh yes... You can." K and J took a 6 percent leap in Breakfast while poor old 2DAY got a right royal walloping. I notice that the Superstars have since dropped back marginally allowing Jonesy and Amanda to go to no. 1 at WSFM. But by year's end they still seemed to be in possession of the high ground, holding the bulk of their audience while switching stations, which in industry parlance is called "doing a John Laws".

By the way, your reporter worked at both 2DAY FM and 106.5 in the 80's and 90's.

When I started at the latter at a gorgeous address in Neutral Bay it was still actually good old 2UW but $11m later we switched to MIX 106.5. Now the owners have switched again to KIIS FM, probably in tribute to its US sister station KIIS FM which has long been the no. 1 FM music operator in LA. Can't wait for WNEW in Darwin.

By the way AM remains the King of Brekkie with GB and ABC ruling the early hours overall but the FM'ers have the numbers that really count for the sponsor, owning the 18-40 demographic. Nothing new there.

Much of the AM audience, of course, is somewhere between 55 and death.

When you're a sponsor death is not an option.

I remember a while back revealing my all time favourite movie one-liners. Well I'd like to add another great line. This time it's from a TV series, possibly Law and Order.

Scene: A tough detective is in the face of this criminal he's interrogating.

Detective: You've got to admit your behaviour looks very suspicious.

Crim: So... Suspect me.

Anyone who watches as much TV as I do gets to sample a fair amount of ads, especially now that the cable channels can run commercials (how did that happen?) and it's quite interesting to follow the genre. For starters, my great hope for the year is that AAMI will bring an end to the long and insufferably dreadful romance between Rhonda and her Asian heart throb Kerplunk. May they now drive off into the sunset... Suitably insured of course!

I have to confess that I quite like a quality offering, especially where he writer shows a strong level of creativity.

I especially like the latest Jeep offering which pays tribute to the movies with an allusion to one of the greatest lines ever from JAWS.

Have you seen that one? A man is shown backing his new Jeep into the family driveway, watched by his young son who is magnificently cast with this lovely deadpan, "world weary" demeanour.

Little Kid: You bought a Jeep?

Father: I bought a Jeep.

Little Kid looks at the back of the driveway at the family's little dingy runabout, takes one more long look at the Jeep and says to father...

Little Kid: We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Or my most recent strong like... The latest offering from the NAB.

A man and woman are in a restaurant, agonising over a risky business decision.

Just then the restaurant owner enters and they ask him how he managed to do so well with his business. He responds, enigmatically, in another language. The waitress then translates his message which goes, "A ship in the harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."

The waitress exits stage left leaving the couple nodding to each other.

Now please allow me to create heaps of controversy with my TOP TEN POP SONGS OF ALL TIME...

1. SO SAD (THE SONG) by Gladys Knight and The Pips

I think the God of Music wrote this song in 1976 just for Gladys. Choose a Sunday afternoon with a little light rain falling. Get your coffee, grab a seat looking out the window and listen to her soar with "together... We belong together. Never was that one lovely word easier to say". Everything in SO SAD is just about perfect.

2. UNCHAINED MELODY by Al Hibbler

This 1955 classic from the movie "Unchained" will haunt you forever. Disregard the later studio enhanced, airbrushed hit from "Ghost" and just listen to the original, sung by Al as if they're dragging the lyrics straight out of his heart.

3. YOU SEND ME by Sam Cooke

Oh Sam, I know you came to a dreadful end but don't worry pal.

With this 1957 no. 1 hit you get to go on forever.

4. BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX by Glen Campbell

This 1967 icon is classically plaintive with those evocative Jimmy Webb lyrics, "By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising..."

5. NEW YORK, NEW YORK by Frank Sinatra

Originally penned for Liza Minelli but I'm afraid the Chairman of the Board already owns Chicago and pretty much owns New York as well. No one else can challenge for this 1977 masterpiece.

6. SUKIYAKI by Kyu Sakamoto

I have no idea what this Japanese joker is singing about but, from the moment I heard Bob Rogers play it on Sydney radio in 1963, I was totally hooked. And will be forever.

Not the only one, either, by the look of things. Kyu rode this to no. 1 on the US Billboard charts.

7. YESTERDAY by Paul McCartney

Ah, everybody's favourite. How can you fight the incoming tide? Just join the queue and agree that this l965 song is totally irresistible.

8. MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS by Dean Martin

The "smooth one" just rolls through this like eating jelly. Well, we all wanted a spoonful of this in 1956. Loved it. Not convinced? Ah, you had to be there!

9. DIFFERENT DRUM by Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Poneys

Linda cruises through this Mike Nesmith 1967 offering and grabs a bit of R&R history.

Lovely, lovely song... Heart tugging lyrics... And yes that is a harpsichord you can hear in the background.

10. SEND IN THE CLOWNS by various artists but try Cleo Laine

Stephen Sondheim wrote it for Glynis Johns in "A Little Night Music" (1975).

Anyone who saw the original on Broadway is not going to forget... "Isn't it rich, are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground... You in mid air. Where are the clowns?"

It's been another rich few months in politics with the distinct possibility that the NSW Parliament will run out of members if the ICAC goes on much longer. This astonishing saga has already claimed a Premier who resigned after admitting he'd received a free bottle of wine. All very commendable I guess but if the rest of the world were to follow suit we'd probably be reporting the collapse of most other governments in the Western world.

And I'm truly stunned by the hatred for the Liberal Pm Tony Abbott. It's like watching US politics. Abbott seems to have met most of his promises: ending the Boat People madness, stopping the Carbon Tax, and controlling borrowing and spending. But the opposition from Labor, the Greens and other assorted political paraphernalia has been unbelievable.

I picked up a SYDNEY MORNING HERALD one day recently when the front page suggested the whole "boat people policy" had collapsed and that the Government was at the point of going south with the ducks. "My God," I gasped, "hundreds of boats have crossed our maritime border... We're under attack... Head for the Hills." Then I re-read the article. ONE illegal boatload of alleged refugees from Sri Lanka had been intercepted on the high seas and it looked as if Australia would have to take them to one of the refugee centres for processing. "It's the end of the world," they were screaming, especially one prominent lady Greens Senator. Actually No. The Government simply agreed to take the refugees to a convenient location so they could be interviewed by officers from their country of origin to arrange for their return home.

I'm sure Tony will make plenty of errors... Don't they all... But the critical issue we need to address is how a group of assorted clowns and buffoons actually managed to get elected to parliament in the first place, some with .0005% of the primary vote. One gentleman, apparently representing some obscure motoring association, is said to have arrived in Canberra not realizing Australia was a Federal State. Someone in his office had to explain what a Federal state was so that he didn't make a goose of himself in Parliament. No such assistance for the PUP leader, Clive Palmer, who actually seems to enjoy making an idiot of himself. Indeed as we go into the new year he looks to be turning it into an art form.

I repeat the advice I once gave to a dear old friend, the late Ray Sherry... "Never go into politics..."